


The memory of the observer

by SakuraPain



Category: Hermitcraft, Minecraft (Video Game), Minecraft Evolution
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2020-09-27 07:11:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20403739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraPain/pseuds/SakuraPain
Summary: Not remembering what was before Hermitcraft is normal for every Hermit, so when the new guy Grian starts having weird space outs and memories coming back to him it's a surprise to everyone.Sadly no one is sure if this is a good thing or not.





	1. Should we start?

_ “We will use the buddy system!”  _

_ He said cheerfully turning to look at his friends. _

_ “Everybody, get a buddy!”  _

_ Happy chatting surrounded him as he waited for everyone to find their partner. He looked at the portal.  _

“Uh..?” Grian blinked a few times. What was he doing? Oh, right! 

He stepped through the Nether portal and reappeared inside his base in the futuristic district. He just needed to put some junk away before meeting with Iskall and Mumbo at Sahara. He had plenty of time, the meeting was in little less than an hour and Mumbo was probably going to be late again. Jumping around his every unorganized storage he emptied his inventory in the first chest that he thought was empty enough. 

His communicator buzzed a few times. He picked it up with one hand and took a look as he chucked his last bit of nether bricks inside a chest.

**[Private message from Iskall85]**

**<Iskall85 > Griaaann**

**<Iskall85 > Dude where are you?**

**<Iskall85 > We’ve been waiting for half an hour.**

Grian frowned. Were they early or something? He had checked the clock a few minutes before leaving the Nether and it was 2:30 PM, the meeting was at 3:30, there was no way he had spent more than 10 minutes between coming back and putting his stuff away. 

He checked the clock. 

4:04 PM. 

Oh. No. 

He had just lost an entire  _ hour. _

He quickly texted back to Iskall.

**<Grian> Coming. It happened again.**

He knew they would understand. 

And they did. 

Iskall frowned and looked away from his communicator. Mumbo watched him from his chair in the meeting room. 

“So?” He asked.

Iskall sighed and stood up from his chair. “He said it happened again.” 

"Isn't it...the  _ fourth _ time this week?" Mumbo's voice didn't really hide his concern. 

Iskall thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, I think so." He looked outside of the window trying to spot Grian in the sky.

Mumbo anxiously played the ring he kept on his left hand for a few seconds before standing up and joining Iskall next to the window.

On a surface level, Grian was exactly like every other hermit. He goofed around and had fun with everyone. He was a great builder and he quickly became one of the best flyers on the server, but there were little things that everyone noticed with the passing of time. 

Grian didn’t remember where he used to be before Hermitcraft, but that was something common for most of them. Whatever was before being a hermit was forgotten except for the knowledge on how the world worked. The knowledge that they would wake up in their beds after dying or that the night brought monsters was an example of that.

Everyone knew that. Grian too, obviously.

But there were some moments that made the hermits suppose that he must have come from somewhere a little different from everyone else. He expected the world to react in strange ways sometimes. He tried to do things that really didn’t make sense to anyone except him. It was funny seeing his confused expression whenever something happened that made his mind blown, even if no one knew exactly what it was. He thought that placing a piece of soul sand before a door would stop anyone from entering. 

He was amazed when he saw an elytra for the first time and he adored the shipwrecks around the island, so much that he made one his first base on the server. Usually, all those little moments were the start of a good laugh of everyone who witnessed them.

It was something odd, but harmless about him.

Then they noticed something else.

Mumbo was the first one to notice it, actually. It was late at night and he was walking through the shopping district to go get some supplies he needed for the witch farm. He was mentally calculating how many hoppers he could buy with his very scarce stash of diamonds when he saw him in the corner of his eye. Grian was there, Mumbo waved at him but he didn't seem to notice.

He was stuck in place, staring at something on the Baker Street building. 

Mumbo didn't see anything weird in it at that time. He supposed that maybe he was thinking about making some changes to it. The build still needed an exit if he remembered correctly. He continued with his shopping but wrote him a message. 

**<MumboJumbo> Working late again?**

There was no reply. 

About 15 minutes later he was done, or better he had no more diamonds to spend. 

He was about to fly back to the farm when he saw that Grian was still outside of Baker Street. 

In the exact same position.

Staring at the building.

"Hey, Grian!" He called approaching his friend. 

He didn’t move or reply.

This whole situation was starting to get a little too unnerving. If it was a prank it was not funny.

"Grian?" He called again, just a few steps away from him.

Nothing.

He stepped in front of him. Still, Grian didn’t seem to notice him. Even if he was standing right in front of him. Grian's eyes were still fixated on an undefined place on the building.

Then he blinked, which actually startled Mumbo enough to take a step back.

"Oh! Hey Mumbo, what's up? " He said actually looking at his friend now.

"That was not funny!!" Mumbo gasped with his heart feeling like he had just run a marathon suddenly.

Grian blinked a few times, pure confusion on his face. 

"What's not funny?" Why was he keeping the act up?

"I'm not falling for it again!!" Mumbo said, irritated. "It's not a good prank."

Grian just looked more confused, he ran a hand on the back of his head and looked on the side, thoughtful for a moment.

"I'm pretty sure I didn't pull any pranks lately Mumbo" 

"Sure, and what were you doing then being all creepy and staring at nothing??” Mumbo asked skeptically. Grian looked more puzzled than before.

“What are you talking about?? I  _ just _ got here! I landed and I...I-” He stopped for a second like he wasn’t sure of what he was about to say. “I was...I was trying to remember something! Then you poped up and now I’ve forgotten it again!” 

Mumbo stared at him. He didn’t look like he was joking, he seemed really serious, which was unusual for him. 

“Dude, you’ve been standing there for at least 20 minutes. I saw you before, I’ve even sent you a message!” 

Grian reluctantly took the communicator out of his pocket. As he looked at the screen the confusion on his face became something more resembling of uneasiness. 

Mumbo was starting to feel really worried.

“I-..” Grian kept his gaze on the screen of the device for a few seconds more and then looked at Mumbo “I guess I was here..for more than I thought.”

They both didn’t really what to say then.

These little moments. These  _ space outs.  _ No one was sure of when they started or what caused them. At first, they didn't happen very often, once or twice a week. 

Or at least the more noticeable ones. 

Most of them lasted usually a few minutes and Grian and the other hermit often didn't see them unless they were talking. But at times they would last very long and everyone would get concerned for Grian's safety. He would just stop anywhere and anytime. No matter what he was doing. Seeing Grian's death message on the communicator became a quiet game of "was it an accident or did he blackout again?". He drowned, exploded because of creepers walking upon him and even crashed with his elytra a few times. 

Hermits would put him in dirt boxes to protect him from mobs or try and get him out of his trance if they stumbled upon him. Most of the times he would come back and go off to whatever he was doing before, he didn't really want to talk about this problem with the others, even if it was not a secret. Maybe he hoped that it would go away on his own if he just ignored it.

It didn't really seem to be working.

Then as the longer space outs started to get more frequent he would sometimes gasp something under his breath about remembering something just as he came back. 

"I think I had a base made out of snow once." 

He once said to Stress right after she had to snap her fingers next to his face a few times to get him to come back to his senses.

"What? When did you have it?" She asked curiously.

Grian had to stop again and think about it. He couldn't remember any other details at that time even if he was sure of what he just said. It was a very big base. Bigger of the one he had now? Not sure about that. And why was it made out of snow? Wasn't there something better to make--

A pinch on the cheek brought him back. "Ow! Again??" Stress nodded. Grian rubbed his cheek and looked on the side embarrassed.

"Maybe you should go home and rest a little?" She suggested smiling at him. "I can come with you if you want!" 

"Nah, don't worry about it." He said opening his inventory.

"You know.." He got a few rockets ready. "I think I'm remembering where I was before Hermitcraft." 

"You would be the first!" She said excitedly. "Just be careful when you do your  _ remembering."  _

"I'll try." 

And he took off.

  
  
  


Back at the present. Iskall and Mumbo finally spotted Grian flying over from their window in the meeting room. 

Mumbo watched carefully how he fired his rockets and kept and kept on firing them.

“He should be...slowing down now.” Mumbo whispered, fidgeting with his ring.   
  
“He isn’t.” Replied Iskall. 

The two looked at each other, immediately understanding that they were thinking the same thing.

"I'm sure he's gonna land just fine." Iskall patted Mumbo on the shoulder in a reassuring gesture. 

He didn't really feel reassured until he saw his friend land safely just outside the building. 

Grian quickly entered the meeting room and smiled at the other two Architech's.

"Hey guys! I'm sorry I'm late" He said as the two moved closer to him.

  
  


"Should we start now?"

  
  
  
  



	2. They care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two! I've been very happy for how the first chapter went, thank you so much for all the sweet comments! And sorry if I didn't reply to all of them! I was pretty speechless at some point ^^ 
> 
> Also thanks so much to my friend Olive @ceaderblocks for helping me and fixing errors!

They wanted to ask. 

Oh, they wanted to ask so badly. 

Grian could see it on their faces, especially Mumbo's. 

_ How long did it last this time? _

_ _

_ What were you doing when it happened?  _

_ Did you remember anything else?  _

Those were the golden questions.

He hoped they wouldn't find the courage to ask them, he wasn't feeling like answering right now… and he wouldn't have liked to lie to them about the time part. Telling them that he had just lost an hour would have only caused more concerns for a problem they couldn't fix.

He played dumb. Pretending not to notice Mumbo's constant fidgeting with his ring or Iskall's hesitation whenever he spoke.

He checked his watch. 4:35 PM

It had been a while since all three of them had been together in the same room. Grian had been busy with the hippie commune. His plan to get his time machine and villager Grian back was talking a lot more time than expected. He should have just broken inside the facilities when he had the chance.

Mumbo and Iskall were spending more and more time on their villager trading competition, but they managed to work on Sahara too. They upgraded the redstone circuit, made a new interface and were almost done with Sahara Now. Grian almost felt like they were working harder than he was and that they were accomplishing more things. He didn't do much for the project lately, other than the building that now hosted Sahara Now and the little stand of golden carrots at Hermitland.

Iskall was talking about the lock system he had in mind for the Sahara Now. It sounded very cool, but he couldn’t help with it. He was getting better with redstone but was still pretty much useless compared to the other two. Mumbo was mostly silent during this conversation. It looked like he was about to ask something but decided against it a few times. 

Grian just wanted a normal, fun meeting. Even if that looked kinda unlikely right now.

He shouldn’t have told them it happened again before coming. They would have had a suspect but it wouldn't have been this bad… maybe.

He checked his watch again. 

4:40 PM.

He didn't really need to know the time, but he had found much easier to keep track of his space outs if he always knew what time it  _ should _ be. Looking at him it gave the impression that he was always waiting for something. 

He technically was. He was waiting for the next  _ inevitable  _ realization that had gotten lost inside his own head. 

He was losing hope in his first idea that ignoring the problem would be the best option. There was no way of stopping his mind from going astray and it appeared to be happening more and more often and for longer length of time. There were also  _ other  _ concerning things that were starting to occur. Things that he didn’t share with the others yet… And he really didn't want to share them at this point. They always seemed too concerned to actually have a good time with him lately.

"Grian?" Mumbo's voice came out hesitant.

Oh, please no.

The watch pointed 4:41 PM. No space out, which meant…

"I'm sorry, I need to know. Are you feeling alright-" 

"Yes I am." He said, too quickly and harshly for it to sound natural. 

Mumbo went quiet again. He looked like he was sorry he had even asked. 

Grian felt immediately awful. 

"Sorry..." he started looking away from Mumbo. "It's just that… You two keep looking at me like I'm a timebomb or something." He sighed and looked back up at his friends. 

Mumbo looked sorrier than before while Iskall looked down at his own hands on the table, clearly, they thought Grian wouldn't notice.

"We're just worried for you." said Iskall.

"You… don't really talk much lately." Added Mumbo.

Grian signed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms tightly. Of course he didn't talk much lately, almost every hermit just wanted to know about what was going on in his head.

"Because It's  _ useless _ . It's just gonna make you even more worried." He said bitterly. 

"I wish we could just ignore my problems and have fun."

"I think we are more worried  _ not _ knowing than knowing, Grian." Iskall stood up from his chair and moved closer to Grian's chair.

"You are our friend, we can't ignore your problems." 

Grian wished they could. He looked at the side for a moment then back at Iskall and then Mumbo.

"We want to help you." Said the Redstoner.

"That's the problem, you  _ can't _ do anything to help," Grian replied. "It's not like you can build a machine that keeps me from disassociate!"

"I know we can't, but maybe… we can just  _ talk _ " Mumbo stood up as well. 

Grian suddenly felt really small. A familiar sensation amplified by the fact that he was sitting down while his friends, already taller than him, were both now standing up.

"Sure, it's not a solution, but wouldn't it be better to talk about what's going on instead of scuttling away and avoiding the conversation every time?"

Grian looked at his friends. Their expressions were soft and full of worry and affection for him. He didn't like being the cause of all their distress. 

He sighed heavily, pressing his palms on his eyes.

That moment of darkness helped him a little.

He took his hands off his face and saw his friends again, expectantly waiting for his reply.

"Fine…" 

Mumbo immediately smiled a very hopeful smile. Iskall smiled too, but looked more like he didn't really expect him to agree. Grian didn't expect that from himself either.

"I will talk more about how I'm doing..  _ but _ -" He wasn't actually sure on what to add, he was mostly trying to prepare himself on what he should say. He cleared his throat. "First off. Sit down, you're making me feel like a kid scolded by his parents." 

They quickly did as he said. Good.

"I swear I'm going to build a taller chair." He saw a small grin form on his friend's faces. This felt a little better, their expressions were less concerned. They still had all their attention on Grian, but that was expected.

"Second-" He took one last moment of preparing. "Don't expect me to tell you everything right away… I- uhm..  _ somethings  _ I’d rather tell you…  _ later _ ." He saw the concern build again on their expressions, but they nodded accepting this condition.

" And- When we are done talking... _ please  _ treat me normally... Even if I space out in the middle of something." 

"We promise, right Mumbo?" Iskall said. Mumbo quickly nodded. 

"We will." Mumbo agreed. He sounded sure of his words. Something that was happening rather rarely lately.

Grian took a deep breath. 

"Okay… what do you want to know...?" 

"How are you feeling?" Mumbo asked without hesitation. It was the question that started this whole conversation, and in the end, it was almost obvious that that would have been the first question. 

"Oh boy. That's the complicated one…" murmured Grian. Putting words to all he was feeling lately wasn't really easy. He couldn't say ‘fine’ but that would have been a lie. He couldn't say ‘bad’ because that would have been a little... vague. He picked a word that seemed to fit just enough.

"I'm feeling..  _ annoyed. _ " 

Iskall raised an eyebrow and Mumbo looked a little confused. 

"Annoyed because of everyone's concerns with me. Annoyed because I- I  _ don't get it.  _ One moment I'm having a good time and the next my head just  _ stops _ working." His tone grew very angry at first. Then it softened.

"It's  _ frustrating.  _ It's...It's  _ scary. _ " 

He looked down at an unspecified place between the table and the ground. Then at his watch which he had learned every single detail about after so many times looking at it. It pointed to 4:50 PM.

"I can't control it and that's  _ scary _ ." 

He kept looking at his watch, following the second's hand moving around. 

"Do you..." Mumbo started. 

Grian looked back up at him.

Boy, did he suck at hiding how much he was worried. Iskall looked a little more...thoughtful than worried instead.

"Do you have any idea what might trigger it?" 

Grian shook his head.

"I have no idea whatsoever. It's... mostly random I think?" He tried to think about it, trying not to focus too much on the details. 

"Some words said in a certain way. Things you guys say, things  _ I  _ say... seeing certain blocks or builds... walking through nether portals..."

_ "Oh no! Mini doesn't have a buddy!" He heard his friend say in a jokingly sad tone. _

He shook his head again, then looking at the watch. 4:57 PM. 

He looked at his friends. This was a short one, they didn't notice. 

Iskall frowned. 

"You said you remember things when it happens, what sort of things did you remember?" He asked.

Bits and pieces. 

Random information that he didn't know where to put. Words. Feelings.

Block combinations that he didn’t really like. 

Shapeless structures that he would never build.

Familiar voices that didn't have a face or name yet. 

He looked at the watch's hands moving. 4:59 PM.

"I.. I remember that I once had a base made out of snow." He started. He had already told this to Stress once, but it was the thing he remembered better for now.

The supposed base he once had.

A block combination appeared in his mind like a recipe to complete his memory. 

"Snow, Stone, and Clay. I remember the feeling of always needing more resources because it was so big and it was never completed." He tried to add more details to that little memory, a shape, a place, a  _ feeling. _

"It was… very  _ isolated. _ "

  
  


_ "Why do people keep building stuff in my base!!" Grian said exasperated as he looked at the statue in his garden. A little chicken made out of wood and wool.  _

_ Next to it two signs read: _

_ "Thought you might need some friends all the way out here! Take care of Jeff, Paul & Sophie. -Mini"  _

_ He looked at his side to see two more chicken statues. With a grimace, he took his axe out of his inventory. He didn't need these silly things. He needed his base to be beautiful and perfect as he envisioned! _

_ "I don't want these at all." He muttered, annoyed. He took off his friend's message first. _

_ His base felt rather cold compared to the others, full of messages and goofy gifts.  _

_ That was the price to pay to have it how he wanted it. It was okay.  _

A firm hand shook him lightly on the shoulder. He blinked his eyes a few times, seeing Iskall and Mumbo close to him. Soft expressions of worry and a little relief greeted him as he came back. 

The watch pointed 5:34 PM.

Grian pressed his eyes with the palm of his hands, the frustration build up in his chest. He wanted to curse, to just take his elytra and fly away to yell at a wall in his base. To get away from his friend's need to care for him. Then he felt his eyes get watery. He rubbed them in an attempt to stop the tears from escaping. It probably would have been more successful if Mumbo and Iskall weren't watching him now. 

" _ I'm sorry _ ..." Why couldn’t they stop caring about him? That would have been easier.

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to apologize." Iskall said. His grip still on Grian's shoulder became less firm and more like a comforting pat. 

"It's not your fault." Mumbo said softly.

Grian took his palms off his eyes, the tears were not coming out but it must have been pretty clear to his friends how close they were to.

Mumbo hugged him tightly.

It felt warm, comforting. 

Grian closed his eyes and hugged his friend back.

He was glad they cared. 

Even if it made some things more difficult.

\---

Grian stepped through the portal. He looked at the mapped floor of the nether hub and calmly made his way to the tunnel for Hermitville.

Talking about feelings and crying was very tiring apparently. Not that he regretted his conversation with the other two Architech's, it was needed even if painful to go through, and now they seemed… calmer? Now that they knew that Grian would talk more about his problems at least. 

It was an improvement. 

They would probably have another meeting soon…

Hopefully, they would talk more about Sahara and less about Grian.

Now he wanted to just get to his RV at the hippie commune and go to sleep. There was a lot of work that needed to be done but he couldn’t be bothered right now with it. All he felt like doing now was sleeping.He would start fresh tomorrow.

He noticed some movement in the corner of his eye as he arrived at the tunnel. 

He turned to see someone flying away. They must have been busy to pass in such a hurry. They were gone so fast that Grian wasn't able to tell who it was. 

He shrugged, it was for the best anyway. He had done enough talking for the day. He opped in his boat and hummed a little tune as he made his way through the long tunnel for the new lands.

It was getting close to sunset when he got out of the nether. The sky wasn't quite orange yet but it was getting near it. He took to the sky and watched the pinkish hues in the clouds as he reached the hippie commune. He landed perfectly in the center of the RV circle, next to the campfire.

He heard a low humming coming from the garden, Ren must have been busy picking up crops. 

He yawned and sat next to the fire. Usually, they would have music playing non-stop here, it was fun and a childish way to annoy Doc and Scar in Area 77. He guessed that Ren must have been tired of it because the stereo was turned off. It was nice to enjoy the quiet.

He closed his eyes and let his back fall on the grass.

He laid there for a while, playing with a single grass string from the little patch under his palm. He didn't really think about anything in particular. He concentrated on the atmosphere that surrounded him. The sound of the fire cracking, the leaves moving with the wind, the water rushing down from the garden, Ren's humming, the smell of flowers, of the smoke of the fire, of the giant mushrooms around him.

He needed to be careful to not fall asleep right there. He had already taken a few naps on different occasions by accident. He opened his eyes and looked at the sky. The orange had settled in the sky as the sunset arrived at its peak.

The sound of footsteps came from the side. He lazily turned his head in the direction of the sound and saw Ren coming out of the garden. Ren didn't notice Grian right away, he was still humming his little tune and not really looking at the campfire. He rubbed his hands against his pants, trying to get some of the dirt off them.

Grian raised a hand and waved lightly. 

"Hey, Ren." 

Ren looked in his direction and smiled as he saw Grian waving. 

"Hey man! Are you taking a nap over there?” He asked with a little grin making his way from the garden’s entrance to the campfire.

“Maaaybe,” Grian chuckled. “I was just enjoying the atmosphere… It’s quite different without music.”

“Yeah, we need a new stereo actually.” Grian raised an eyebrow.

“What happened to the old one?” He asked. 

Ren shrugged. A few pink petals fell from his flower crown.

“I don’t know, man. Yesterday it worked just fine while this morning it was completely fried. I swear smoke came out when I tried to turn it on.” He frowned and leaned a little forward, looking down at Grian and blocking his view of the orange sky a little.

“Maybe we kept it on for too long.”

“Or maybe Scar finally snapped and sabotaged our stereo!” Grian suggested jokingly. 

Ren laughed at the thought of Scar sneaking in the commune at night just to break the stereo. Unlikely but if true would have just meant that the Area 77 guys needed to change their priorities. More petals from Ren’s little crown fell, this time on Grian’s face. He dusted them off with his hand.

  
“You need some new flowers there.” 

“You do too, but don’t worry! Ren’s got you covered!” 

Ren reached for something in his inventory while Grian touched his own flower crown. The flowers crumpled a little under his touch, he hadn’t changed it in a while, now that he thought about it. He had forgotten.

He looked at Ren as he pulled out a freshly made flower crown. It was made of bright red poppies. Grian smiled.

“We can’t be good hippies without nice and fresh flowers in our hair!” He passed the flower crown to his friend. 

“I remember you said the poppies were your favorites, right?” Grian nodded as he looked at the crown in his hands. Something about it made him so happy, it was a nice gift and it was his favorite flower. He loved it.

“Thank you, Ren.“ 

“You’re welcome, my dude.” A low buzz came from Ren’s communicator. He took a quick look and then put it back in his pocket. 

“Gotta go now, I’ll see you later!” He took a handful of rockets out of his inventory and a few moments later he was gone. The sky was slowly letting go of his orange shade now, stars were starting to appear.

Grian should have stood up and went to bed at this point.

But he stayed on the grass.

Just a little more. 

He watched his gift carefully. The lovely red shade of the petals that felt so soft against his fingers. The familiar shape of that simple little flower.

The poppies were his favorites.

A little doubt came into his mind.

Why was it the Poppies? 

_ “Here they are!” He said cheerfully as he found a little patch of them.  _

_ He carefully picked the red flowers from the ground, trying not to ruin their roots. He smiled excitedly as he looked at them. _

_ Four poppies.  _

_ Would they be enough? _

_ He hoped so. He felt lucky today. _

_ He made his way back to his base jumping from block to block. He passed next to his train station and arrived at his destination. A little platform that was slightly higher than ground level. With a friendly and familiar face on it, made out of stone and black wool.  _

_ There was a line of poppies at its base. _

_ Grian looked at the friendly face and smiled. _

_ “C’mon, today’s gotta be the day.” _

_ He picked the flower that seemed the best, the brightest and the best shape and smell. This was the lucky flower.  _

_ He held his breath and planted it next to others. _

_ He waited expectantly but... _

_ Nothing happened.  _

_ His heart sank a little.  _

_ He waited a few more minutes. Maybe the flower wasn’t good enough? Maybe he liked dandelions better? He sighed and sat on the grass of the platform, looking at the line of flowers gently move with the breeze. _

_ “Maybe tomorrow..” He looked up at the stone.  _

_ “Right?” _

  
  


Grian was looking up at the moon and the stars, now clear to see as the sky was at it’s darkest point. 

His vision was slightly blurry. At first, he didn’t understand why. 

He blinked a few times and felt tears make their way down his cheeks. 

He didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop crying.


	3. A little fun

It was a peaceful night.

Quiet and cold. 

The campfire had been put out and the light was low in the commune. Not low enough for monsters to appear, of course. That would have been a problem. It was enough to watch the moon and the stars shine at their best. 

It also helped that Area77 wasn't really that much lit up.

Ren sat on the tree line, cross-legged and facing Area 77, but he wasn’t looking at the military facility. He couldn't see much past the white surveillance car even if he wanted to. 

He had tried once in that same spot, but with the passing of time had found that it was a really comfy place to just sit down and relax. He sat there some nights before going to bed, just thinking about the plans for the next day or watching the stars.

Now he wasn’t planning for the day ahead but instead, he was working. If you could call it that. With only the light of a single torch to keep him company and guide him, he was weaving and carefully crossing flowers for his own little crown. He had made one for Grian, but surely he couldn't go without a new one for himself. 

He had picked peonies.

When he finished he looked at the final product, proud of how it turned out. If he had to admit, Grian's flower crown came out actually a lot better than his. He had put more effort into making it and it was worth it.

Grian was going through some stuff lately. It was pretty clear even if he didn't really talk about it that much. That little crown seemed to make him really happy. Or at least that's what Ren thought.

He put on his new flowers and yawned.

Such a peaceful night. 

But not completely.

Being so quiet made little sounds more noticeable at times. 

Objects moving. 

Steps.

_ Low cries. _

Ren turned around to look at Grian’s RV. 

It was a peaceful night.

But that didn’t mean a peaceful sleep.

Grian twisted and turned in his bed. Holding his covers tight in his sweaty hands.

Emotions he didn’t want just kept making their way in his chest. 

His memories mixing with his dreams as he kept drifting in and out of sleep. It was exhausting. Was it all memories? Or was it all dreams? He couldn’t tell.

He hated it.

_ “They haven’t been taking care of this area.” He muttered as he looked down at spawn from the height of his dirt tower. There was so much work to do! So much patching up, but also room for improvement. _

He felt disappointed but  _ excited _ at the same time. Why?

He opened his eyes a little. His blurry vision didn’t really distinguish anything around him but he could see that It was still dark outside. He turned around again and pressed his face against the pillow.

“Stop thinking about it. Just sleep.” He murmured to himself, as if actually saying it instead of thinking it would make a difference. 

_ He’s working a plan. He’s got so many ideas to make it look nice. It was about time! He looks carefully at the big sand clearing in the middle of spawn. _

_ “I should add something here, something central. Maybe a plaza or...flowers-”  _

_ The line of poppies moves in the breeze. He’s not here. He’s not here. _

His chest hurt. He felt the tears running down his face again. He was tired but his heart kept aching. It kept him awake now.

There was no point in trying to sleep. He opened his eyes, trying to focus again on what was around him. It was still dark.

He pulled himself up in a sitting position and rubbed the tears off his cheeks. 

This was so  _ dumb _ . He couldn't think about flowers now without feeling just  _ awful _ . What kind of hippie can't stand the sight of flowers?

He turned his head to look at the chest beside his bed. Where he left his flower crown before going to bed.

_ He's not here.  _

His eyes got watery again. 

"Ridiculous." He muttered rubbing them. He was surprised that he still had tears left.

His eyes burned so much.

He picked the flower crown and put it on. He couldn't see it if it was on his head. And he actually wanted to wear it. He still liked it. Even if it made him cry more than he wanted to admit to himself. 

He looked at his watch, squinting and trying to see the numbers in the faint light.

2:12 AM.

He couldn't go back to sleep, not yet. But he didn't know what to do, really. 

He picked up his communicator, maybe Iskall and Mumbo were awake. But even if they were what could he say? He didn't really know what was going on in his head again, he didn't know why he cried, he didn't know why he couldn’t look at the poppies. 

Voices echoed in his ears telling him one million different things that he just couldn't grasp. 

He did promise to talk more with his friends but right now he didn't know what he should talk about, even if he wanted to.

He needed to think about it, but thinking about it seemed to make things worse every time. Focusing on the details of what he remembered, it was like entering a maze.

He got lost in between all the pathways, one memory brought to another and another and he couldn't see the end. His mind couldn't see the whole picture, it was blocked out. 

Trying to go beyond what he could remember was painful.

He never knew what would trigger in his head, what confused memory would make its way in front of his eyes or what emotion would burst out of his chest like a sudden explosion.

Was it worth it? He got  _ something _ out of his head. But that something didn't stick around for long, he needed to hold onto it with all himself to keep it. If he didn't, if he let it go and didn't think too much about it he would eventually forget it again. Memories seemed to run both against him and away from him. He needed to catch them and hold them tight or try to avoid them as best as he could. 

He had seen that ignoring the problem wasn't the best course of action even if that was what he desperately wanted to work. Now logic suggested that he needed to do something else. He needed to work a solution. 

When he first arrived on Hermitcraft he couldn’t shake off the feeling that he had forgotten something really important. 

But the hermits kept reassuring him that it was normal. 

Forgetting was normal, it was expected. 

And he had forgotten about that feeling too with the passing of time. 

So busy having fun, so busy building grand structures. 

He wanted to go back to have fun. He couldn’t make it stop, maybe he needed to remember it all? He was scared of that thought. 

He was scared of what he could remember.

Xisuma had told him something that stuck with him once. 

When he first started remembering, X had caught him right at the end of one of his longer space outs in the shopping district. When the long ones were still pretty rare. He tried to ask about it, he was worried. Like everyone else. But X was always a little more worried that you would expect, he took his role as the admin very seriously. Always making sure that there were as few conflicts as possible and that everyone was doing okay. Grian couldn't remember the whole conversation exactly. The only thing clear in his head was a single phrase.

"We don't really know  _ how _ or  _ why  _ we forget everything when we arrive here. But there must be a reason for it."

There must be a reason. A reason why everyone forgets and a reason why he did too. A reason why forgetting it's normal and expected. But why was he remembering now? Why was he the only one? Was it because he came from somewhere different? Because he expected the world to behave in different ways? 

Did he do  _ something _ to cause this? 

Or was it all chance?

He didn't know. 

He didn't know what to do.

Grian stood up and put the communicator in his pocket. He would start by going outside, he would find something to keep himself busy and maybe get tired enough to sleep without dreams. He strapped his elytra on and went outside, the cold air of the night sent a shiver down his spine. He didn't like the cold, he never did. 

Or at least he thought so.

He did have a base made out of snow once, maybe he was less susceptible to low temperatures once? Grian stopped that train of thought before it could take him to more questions he couldn’t answer.

He looked up and saw Ren, looking at him from the top of the tree-line. 

With only the light of the torch next to him and the distance between them, Grian wasn't able to tell what kind of expression he had. 

He wondered if he had heard him.

But then decided he didn't want to know. 

He flew off quickly, leaving the commune behind for the rest of the night probably.

The strong wind from the takeoff almost made his flowers fall off, he had to hold them in place for a bit. He looked down at his surroundings, the commune wasn't much lit up but it looked like a sun compared to Area 77's complete darkness.

He decided mid-flight on what to do. He headed to Hermitland and landed swiftly in front of Dig Straight Down. He didn't even bother to check on profits, it didn't really matter now. Of the 16 andesite blocks, only 3 remained untouched. He didn't remember what was in those, again, didn't matter. 

He had 13 tunnels worth of materials to restock. 

That was enough work to keep him busy for a while. 

He headed underground and started digging.

\---

_ He was up to no good.  _

_ He was always up to no good when he was bored, and building large structures alone could be very boring. Even if he loved to build. _

_ He needed to mess with his friends once in a while, and he needed to find new ways to do so. _

_ His reputation preceded him at this point.  _

_ He was the prankster of the server.  _

_ That made everyone always a little wary of his schemes, but someone always fell for it in the end, either out of curiosity or by being a bit of a fool. _

_ This prank was taking a lot of energy and time but it would be worth it once completed.  _

_ Grian went down the long ladder in his train station, to the lowest point he could get before hitting bedrock. He grinned looking at his little secret project. No one would suspect a thing, and how could they? Sure, someone could end up there by strip mining but that would be so unlucky!  _

_ He wasn’t unlucky.  _

_ He walked across the large room he had dug out, right under spawn. Cobblestone pillars on each side, to support it, even if it wasn’t needed. It was to make it look nice for himself.  _

_ His own face was carved in the stone right at the end of it, again, for himself but also because if people did find out they would know it was his work. _

_ But the room wasn’t the important part of it all. Even if it was eye catching.  _

_ The important part wasn’t finished yet.  _

_ The tunnels weren’t finished yet.  _

_ Three on each side of the walls, to take him under his friend’s bases.  _

_ Their names were written on top of each entrance.  _

_ He looked at the signs.  _

He couldn’t make out their names yet. 

“Uh -oh! He  _ moved!  _ What do I do now? _ ”  _ Grian heard an unfamiliar voice gasp from somewhere behind him.

He blinked a few times, seeing unfocused stone walls in front of him.

Then when he realized how much his eyes  _ burned  _ he had to close them shut.

He felt his stomach twist in pain from hunger, when was the last time he ate something? Yesterday before the meeting maybe? 

He had to let go of the pickaxe he was holding to hug his stomach. It made a metallic sound when it hit the cave floor. There was pain from everywhere, from his hand that felt kinda numb after holding the pick tightly for so long to his legs that started to grow a little shaky. He stumbled forward and fell down to his knees. 

How  _ long _ had he been out now? 

“ _ Oh nonono!  _ He’s not good!! I’m gonna call you later!” He heard muffled voices coming from what he supposed was a communicator suddenly stop and steps coming close to him. 

There was a lot of buzzing coming from his own com too. Probably the public chat.

He tried to open his eyes again, it still hurt but it was getting a little better. 

He saw the blurry figure get down next to him. Big worried eyes peeked from under his hat.

The “new” guy. 

Keralis. 

That’s why he didn’t recognize his voice, he didn’t really meet him before. Just heard of him.

What an awful first meeting. 

Grian wanted to look at his watch but found it too difficult to see. He had to close his eyes for a little bit more. 

“Are you hurt?? Do you need to lay down or something?” Keralis asked. 

Grian felt the cramps in his stomach. He hugged himself tighter.

“It’s- it’s just hunger. What time  _ is  _ it?” 

"The time? Let's see…" Grian heard the long and prolonged buzz coming from the other's communicator. Someone was calling him. The buzz quickly stopped as he probably rejected the call.

"It's 8 in the morning."

Grian opened his eyes again and just  _ stared _ at Keralis. 

" _ What? _ " That couldn't be, could it?

When was the last time he had checked his watch? Around 3 or 4 AM maybe?

He wasn't sure. He had mined a bit for sure. But for how long? How much time did he spend actually mining and how much did he just stare at nothing while his body ached in pain?

He opened his inventory. Looking at how many materials he had gathered maybe could give him an idea on how long did he actually mine before stopping.

"You're...You're looking a little pale there." Keralis patted him on the shoulder. 

He probably was, he could almost feel the color draining from his own face.

His inventory was... not that full. He didn’t dig that much at all. 

_ It was getting worse. _

So much worse so much quicker. 

He closed his inventory and saw that Keralis in front of him was actually lending him a few golden carrots now. 

Grian’s stomach ached.

“Thank you…” He managed to mutter talking the carrots.

They both sat there on the cave floor. With only the sound of the communicators going off sometimes.

Grian felt better after eating something. Physically at least. His eyes and limbs felt a little better too after a while. 

“You really scared me there!” Keralis started “I was just mining and then, Blam! I see you there staring at the wall. Really really scary.”

“Uhm- Sorry about that.” Grian looked at the side, feeling embarrassed. He heard another buzz coming from their communicators.

“Why is the main chat exploding with messages?” Grian asked taking the com out of his pocket. 

“Ah, yes. That would be my fault.” Admitted Keralis. Grian frowned and looked at the chat. 

**[ Main Chatroom]**

**<Keralis1> help**

**<Xisuma> ?**

**<Stressmonster101> what**

**<Keralis1> Someone staring at the wall. not moving.**

**<Xisuma> that must be grian.**

**<Iskall85> oh no**

**<MumboJumbo> where is he?**

**<Keralis1> is it normal?**

**<Iskall85> kinda. **

  
  


Just now Grian realized that Keralis probably didn’t know anything about his problem before now, unlike all the other hermits. 

He scrolled down thought the messages, not really reading all of them.

**<iskall85> could you try get him out of it?**

**<Keralis1> how do i do that?**

**<iskall85> Try talking to him**

**<Stressmonster101> pinch his cheeks!!**

**<Keralis1> Should I stab him?**

**<MumboJumbo> don’t.**

**<Keralis1> gonna stab him.**

**<MumboJumbo> !!!**

**<MumboJumbo> NO!!**

  
  


Grian actually had to hold back a chuckle. 

“Were you actually going to stab me?” Keralis looked on the side, grinning slightly.

“Maaybe. But I didn’t! Shaswamivoid called me before.” Grian frowned. Was there another new hermit he didn’t know about or something?

Grian put his communicator back in his pocket and decided that he would go through the rest of the messages later. He could have written something like "I'm fine. He didn't stab me" but where was the fun in that?

He needed a little fun now. Just a little.

But something else came into his mind.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Keralis smiled at him.

"Of course!"

“You... left right? You left and then came back.” 

Keralis nodded.   
  


“Yess, I didn’t seem like a lot of time but it appears I've been away for three years! Isn't that crazy??" Keralis spoke enthusiastically about the experience. As it was a fun ride on a roller coaster.

Grian frowned a little, disappearing for years didn't sound like something fun to him. 

"Do you remember something? Anything that happened to you during those years?"

Keralis looked down and waited a few moments before answering. Then he shook his head.

"Not really. From my perspective, I just went through a portal and reappeared here." 

Grian signed looking down at his hands. Forgetting is normal. Expected.

Keralis looked at Grian carefully, then he smiled.

"But there's something I do remember!" 

"Really?! What is it?"

Keralis grinned.

"I remember that I  _ didn't  _ meet you before."

Grian raised an eyebrow. Keralis grin grew wider.

"You’re joking?"

"Absolutely not!" He patted Grian on the shoulder. "We forget  _ almost  _ everything when we arrive here.  _ Almost. _ Not everything gets lost." He stood up from the stone floor and looked back down at him. 

"Have you ever looked at someone here and thought; Oh! You! We are friends! I may not remember how or when we became friends but we are!" He opened his arms in a wide gesture. "And I've missed you so much, but now we're back together so it doesn't matter!" 

Grian looked at him confused. 

"Never ever felt that?" Keralis lended him a hand.

Grian took it and stood up as well, his legs felt a little shaky still.

He thought about all his friends here on the server and couldn't think about a single moment where he might have felt something similar to what Keralis described. Not a single one. Not even with Mumbo.

"No… but that sounds very nice" he admitted. 

Keralis nodded.

"It is." He said now a little more softly. 

"So when you say that you remember not meeting me, you mean that you don't feel  _ that _ ."

"Precisely. It's not much, but I know for sure that you weren't around wherever I was in these three years. Friends are never completely forgotten." 

That didn't sound completely true to Grian. 

  
  


_ He tried to look at the signs on the tunnels.  _

_ Seven names he couldn’t make out just yet. _

_ Seven names. _

_ One was missing.  _

_ Of course. He didn't have a base just yet.  _

  
  


Grian felt a cold blade gently poke his arm.

He stared at Keralis that quietly put his sword down and smiled mischievously.

Grian couldn't hold back a laugh at that look.

This was the first time he came back from one of his space outs to a laugh. 

No concerned look on the other's face. 

It was nice.

"I thought you were joking about the stabbing!!" Grian gasped in between laughs.

"I said maybe!" Keralis replied chuckling. He then quickly took his communicator and wrote a message.

Grian heard the familiar buzz coming from his own com in his pocket but actually leaned forward to look at the messages from the other's screen.

**[Main chatroom]**

**<Keralis1> Stabbing was successful.**

**<MumboJumbo> KERALIS!!!**

**<iskall85> oh god.**

Grian wheezed as Keralis kept his little grin watching the messages. He took his own communicator out.

**<Grian> best stabbing ever**

**<Grian> Keralis can stab me whenever he wants now.**

**<MumboJumbo> wHAT?**

**<iskall85> grian what the heck**

**<Xisuma> I see you two are getting along**

Oh, they were. This was so silly but so fun.

It took them a while to stop laughing.

Then Grian noticed something, he had been so busy looking at the main chat that he didn’t notice some old private messages.

**[Private message from Rendog]**

**<Rendog> Hey dude, someone left a gift for you in the commune.**

**<Rendog> Also, I need to show you something!**

Grian put his com back in his pocket and looked at his watch. 

8:54 AM.

"I should go now." He said picking up his pickaxe that had been left on the floor for most of his conversation with Keralis.

Keralis simply smiled at him.

"Come visit me sometime, we're kinda like neighbours you know? We're both around Area77!" 

"Sure!" 

He would. 

He had fun.

  
  


Grian made his way outside of the mines and appeared around where Joe’s roller coaster was. He realized how cold he was now that the morning sunshine hit his face with its pleasant warmth. Staying hours underground wasn’t the best for someone that didn’t like being cold.

He flew off to the commune, holding his flower so that they didn’t fall and arrived pretty quickly. 

He didn’t see Ren around, but he did see what must have been his gift. 

Right in front of the entrance of his RV, there was a single chest with a sign that read simply “For Grian”. 

Grian opened the chest, only to find a book and quill. All the pages were blank, except for a little message written on the back of the cover. 

It was a little difficult to read at first, whoever wrote it didn’t really have good handwriting, it was also slightly tilted to the side. 

_ “The wandering thoughts are easier to keep track of if you trap them in ink.” _

Grian frowned a little confused. 

He wondered who was this from.

  
  



	4. Notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it literally took me 6 months-

_ "I can’t believe I'm helping you." Grian heard his friend mutter under her breath. _

_ "You always say that!" _

_ He chuckled as he carefully placed the TNT around the room, creating a checkerboard pattern in the floor.  _

_ This was going to be hilarious. They would be so scared to walk around here!  _

_ "I always mean it," He heard a little bark coming from the door's direction as he placed his last bit of TNT. _

_ "I'm gonna put Rufus outside, it's too dangerous in here for puppies!"  _

_ Grian smiled, of course, she would think about the dog's safety.  _

_ He turned in her direction ad saw her picking the dog up in her arms. The puppy barked and waved his tail happily as he tried to give her kisses on the face.  _

_ She laughed as she tried to open the door while holding the puppy away from her face. _

_ "Aww! He likes you N-- _

Grian woke up suddenly in his bed, his heart was beating frantically and his ears ringing. 

Almost instantly he tried to look at his watch to know the time, but he had to take a deep breath first and felt the smell of gunpowder in his nose.

That usually meant one thing.

He looked inside his inventory. Empty.

He had died. He had died while he was spacing out  _ again _ . 

He quickly looked at the main chat on his communicator.

**<Grian was blown up by Creeper>**

Grian groaned. Of course It was a creeper! What perfect timing! 

He saw a glimpse of some messages as closed the com but he would think about those later. If he was lucky they were talking about other things and not asking about his new death.

He didn't feel lucky today, not with this start. 

Grian pressed the palms of his hands on his eyes for a few moments, trying to recollect what little he had remembered before thinking about what he was doing before. 

He almost had a face, he almost had a name! 

What was it again?

How was she?

She was.. she was nice. She was.. caring.

Grian's chest ached a little, a feeling he couldn't really pinpoint. He missed this person he couldn’t remember maybe?

What was her name?

Something with an N? 

Something...

His thoughts got blurry quickly, he felt as if what little he was feeling and remembering was about to escape from his hands like sand. He closed his hands into fists as he felt frustration build up in him.

_ The wandering thoughts. Trap them in ink. _

Grian jumped down from his bed, leaving it a mess and rushing to the nearest ender chest.

He quickly grabbed a spare elytra and clumsily put it on. It was slightly crooked. If the other saw him they probably would have scolded him for putting it on so badly, something about it being unsafe. It didn’t matter now.

He needed to get to his stuff quickly.

The took off was messy, he almost face-plants into the three line of the commune. The others would have been right telling him that flying with an elytra non-properly secured was a stupid idea. Still, he managed to fly off. 

He landed at Hermitland pretty soon, tripping a little on his steps and feeling the elytra twists around his back uncomfortably. 

Where was he before? Where did he die?

He should have looked for creeper holes while he was still flying, but didn't think it through properly. He was too preoccupied with landing without crashing.

He tried to remember.

What was he doing before spacing out? What did he need to do?

He was.. he..

The Sahara Eats stand! He was restocking it!

With a grin, he ran on the gray pathway in the direction of the mini shops. 

He caught a glimpse of a familiar gray helmet peeking from the entrance of Dig straight down as he ran past it.

“Hey Grian-” He heard Xisuma call but he didn’t bother turning around, he arrived at the shop and saw the hole that the creeper had left.

The shop was slightly damaged but nothing that couldn't be fixed in a few minutes, he looked at his scatterer belongings and quickly jumped down the hole, grabbing everything but most importantly what he needed right now.

The book.

He flipped through the scribbled up pages until he got to a blank one.

He tried to put down what little he had remembered, but he couldn’t really find the right words. 

_ She's caring, her name starts with N. She's a dear friend. _

Grian felt frustration build up as he didn't seem to be able to add anything more to it. Nothing else. 

He took in a deep breath and tried to let the emotion go away. Don't get angry, just think a little bit more.

What did her face look like?

_ She looks- her face- her smile-  _

Grian stared at the tip of his pen as a drop of ink fell on the messy page. The image he had in his head wasn't clear enough to put it in words.

Maybe words weren't the right idea.

He started scribbling messy lines, he wasn't exactly an artist but he did draw from time to time, usually building projects. It surely wouldn't do justice to this person but it was better than leaving the page blank.

In the middle of the page, there was now a drawing of a faceless figure holding a puppy. 

Grian resisted the urge to rip the page out of the book.

  
  


"Is everything alright?" Grian instinctively closed the book before looking up at the voice.

Xisuma looked down at him from outside the hole, Grian didn’t like not being able to tell what his expression was like because of his helmet, he could only see his eyes when he wore that. 

“Yeah! I just..” Grian clung hard on the book for an instant then stood up quickly, taking some dirt from his inventory, putting the book at its place. “Need to patch this up, and Sahara eats too! I didn’t hear the creeper.”

“I see,” X replied calmly.

Grian started filling up the hole, trying not to look at the admin. Which became a little more difficult when he jumped down the hole too and started filling it with him. 

Luckily Xisuma didn’t say anything, just helped to fill the hole and then fixing the Sahara Eats stand. Grian was glad about it. 

“Thanks.” He said, unsure if he was thanking him for not asking anything else or for fixing the hole. Probably both. 

“No problem.” He was about to walk away but stopped, as he had remembered something. 

“Say, did you see Doc and Scar around lately?” 

Grian frowned, thinking about the last time he had seen the two of them. He was sure he had seen them work on the entrance of area 77 at some point a week ago… or was it two weeks ago? Still, he didn’t see them in a while. He assumed they were busy with whatever was going on inside the depths of the military facility.

"Not really, I think they have been working on the inside of area 77.." Probably on his time machine actually. "Why you ask?" 

"Keralis asked me to go check on them, he seemed a little worried… I'll probably go take a look today."

Oh? Was Keralis paying more attention to them than he was? He knew that he had built his house in a place specifically chosen to look in the area, had he noticed something he and Ren didn't? Or was he just a worried friend? 

Probably the latter, Keralis seemed like a very good friend, even if he had spoken very little to him, he had shown he was a very good person in those moments in the cave a few days ago. 

Maybe he should visit him later. 

"I'll keep an eye out for them. I should be doing that anyway." 

Xisuma tilted his head to the side. 

"Try to also sleep sometime. You could use those bags under your eyes as extra inventory space."

It sounded like a joke, but at the same time, it wasn't. Sleeping had been too difficult lately. 

Grian instinctively brought his right hand under his eye. Was it so bad? It's true he was going on mostly 4 hours of sleep per night this week, but he didn't think it would be so noticeable. 

"Well, maybe that was my goal all along!" Grian replied with a slight grin. 

Xisuma chuckled lightly. 

"Seriously, take care." He said softly before walking off. 

_ "I'm trying to"  _ it's what he wanted to say. But he held it back. He waited until the admin was out of sight to move, he didn't know why but he felt as if he was stuck in place until he was completely out of his line of sight. 

He managed to finally restock Sahara Eats and fixed the straps of his elytra. He was about to fly back to the commune when he felt the low buzz of his communicator. 

**[Private message from MumboJumbo]**

**<MumboJumbo> Can we hang out today?**

He looked at the message for a while. 

Technically he should go back to work in his way inside area 77. He had started to dig a tunnel to get in there, but he had noticed that spending too much time in that tunnel made him.. space out more frequently. As long as he was inside of it.

He thought about the book in his inventory, he had managed to map out an entire room from his memories. A room he used to have, with tunnels everywhere going under people bases. He knew all the tunnels were supposed to be named, but he didn't remember the names yet. 

That's what he saw the most when he went down there.

He needed Ren around to shake him up from time to time to actually work on the tunnel, and today Ren was busy building something else. 

So maybe spending some time with Mumbo was a good idea. 

Sure, if he didn't fall asleep on him. 

He sent a simple reply and flew off to a nether portal. 

\---

  
  


In the main redstone room of the Sahara building, Mumbo smiled tiredly at his communicator. 

**[Private message from Grian]**

**<Grian> Sure! Where are you?**

**<MumboJumbo> Sahara**

He signed in relief as if a giant boulder had been taken off his chest.

He hadn’t been able to calm down up until that point, he didn’t know why he felt such a rush of anxiety when he saw that death message.

**<Grian was blown up by a creeper>**

Mumbo had twisted and turned nervously the little gold ring on his finger for minutes on end. 

Was it an accident? Was it  _ that _ again?

He couldn’t know. That’s probably what made him so nervous 

He put had the communicator back in his pocket and tried to get back to work. He needed to get himself a little busier, but even working on the complicated redstone of Sahara didn’t help him much.

He had made a promise. And he intended to keep it. 

But that promise didn't really have a clear definition.

Grian said he wanted to be treated normally, he didn't want to see their worry or concerns.

But Mumbo just didn't know anymore what would feel normal to Grian. 

To him worrying was normal, he couldn’t stop. Even if he wanted to. 

He wanted to ask if everything was all right, to go check on him so often. But he had to hold himself back. 

He didn't know what was the limit. 

How much concern could he show to his friend before he felt like he wasn't being treated normally? 

What if he asked one too many times how was he doing and Grian shut completely?

What if Grian felt Mumbo broke his promise? 

He couldn’t let that happen. He cared too much to risk that. 

He thought about all the possible outcomes to every question and every conversation, he saw the worst first and then the most likely. He picked words carefully when he could. 

Though messages it was easy, he could stare at the messages and read them over and over before sending them. Till they felt safe enough.

He had spent way too much time just writing “Are you okay?” or “Is everything alright?” and any other variations of these phrases, to just cancel them a few moments later. 

This probably wasn't "treating him normally" but Mumbo couldn't help it!

He was scared.

He was so scared of what was happening to his friend, he was scared he would get farther and farther away from him if he didn't do something quickly. 

He was scared he would stop talking.

Grian was right when he said that he and Iskall couldn't help. It felt so true, but they still tried! They tried so hard.

Mumbo took a deep, deep, long breath. 

He was overthinking everything again. 

Right now he needed to finish his work on the redstone circuit and then he’d be able to just..hang out with Grian! Nothing else. 

If they could spend a day together without worrying about anything it would mean that everything was going mostly okay, no?

He hoped so. 

  
  


It didn’t take much for Grian to arrive and the first thought that crossed Mumbo’s mind was that he needed a  _ nap.  _

He looked tired, but Mumbo had seen him in worst conditions actually, which reassured him  _ slightly _ . He remembered how he and Iskall looked when they were working on the G-Team base, they looked more dead than Cleo. 

"Hey dude!" Mumbo called him from the top of the redstone contraption. 

Grian looked up and gave a small and tired smile. 

“Still updating the system?” 

Mumbo nodded. 

“Yeah, but I’m almost done, don’t worry about it!” He said as he speeds up the pace to finish his work.

He also realized that he didn’t really think of what to do with Grian yet, sure hang out, but what else? Maybe they could go play some of the games over at Hermitland, but Grian probably had just came from there! He should have thought about it better. 

Maybe they would decide on something once he was done.

“How’s the hippie stuff going?” He asked without stopping his work on the machine. 

“I’m trying to make a tunnel and Ren made a “shroom room”... I can still smell the mushrooms on my clothes!” 

Mumbo frowned, unsure of what a “shroom room” looked like, then he grinned slightly and looked down at Grian, that was still standing near the entrance of the room.

“Ah, yes. I can clearly smell them too!” He said jokingly. 

“Hey! I don’t stink  _ that  _ bad!” Grian gasped in fake offense as he held back a laugh. 

Mumbo chuckled seeing his friend trying to hold back an amused smile and failing miserably. 

“My nose says otherwise!” He added as he went back to his work. 

He spent a few more minutes working on the circuit, it was almost done, just a few more blocks to be placed and then he just needed to check if it all worked, tho, even if it didn’t work he wouldn’t spend more time on it, he would fix it later. 

“Is it because of your tunnel that you look so tired? Did you spend all night digging it?” He then asked hesitantly.

Grian didn’t respond right away and when he did it came out more very softly and hesitant almost as the question before. 

“No… that’s not why.”

Mumbo waited quietly for his friend to continue. 

He didn’t. 

“Uhm, Why then..?” he asked as he placed the last piece of the machine. 

No response. He fidgeted with the ring on his finger. 

“Grian?” He called as he looked down. 

For a moment his blood ran cold as he saw the familiar sight of Grian standing there, gaze fixated on an undefined place on the window. 

He was about to jump down from the machine and go next to him but Grian seemed to snap out of his little daze very quickly. 

It maybe lasted a minute or two then. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and then reached for something in his inventory.

A book and quill. 

He sat on a nearby chest and started writing.

Mumbo let out a shaky breath and stopped fidgeting with his ring. This was fine, he was.. fine. He didn't even hear his question but it was okay, he would ask again later.

“What are you writing there?” Mumbo asked trying to peek from the height of the Redstone contraption. Not that he could see anything other than black splotches all over the page.

Grian seemed a little startled as if he was so concentrated on what he was writing that he had forgotten Mumbo was in the room with him. He almost let the ink fall down on the page but managed to stop the bottle from spilling and only get a few drops on his hand instead.

"Sorry.." He muttered under his breath, looking for something to clean his hand with. Then signed and put his hand on a blank page, leaving a few stains and probably deciding to clean the rest later. 

He looked down at the page for a few instants then up at Mumbo. 

"I've been trying to write down all I started to remember," He looked back down on the scribbled up page and added a few lines "It should help, I hope." He added speaking softly.

  
  


Mumbo rubbed his hands together to get rid of some of the Redstone dust and jumped down from the machine, letting his elytra activate to get near Grian in a swift landing. 

"Can I see?" He asked holding back the urge to start fidgeting with his golden ring once again.

Grian's first instinct was to close the book with a quick and loud sound. Like he had done earlier when Xisuma saw the book. He had been contemplating whenever it was a good idea or not to show it to others and his guts kept yelling at him that "no" he shouldn't show it. 

The amount of scribbled up sentences without rhyme or reason, the messy drawings and random words. In his mind, that would have made him look insane to the eyes of others.

But he too had made a promise. 

He would talk. 

He clutched the book tight leaving some ink stains on the cover. "It's messy..” He muttered before handing it to Mumbo.

Mumbo smiled taking the book. Seemingly relieved.

“If it’s anything like your base then be ready to catch me, ‘cause I  _ will _ faint” He joked. 

Grian chuckled slightly. 

Mumbo sat beside Grian on the chest and opened the book. 

The first thing that caught his attention was the phrase written on the back of the cover.

" _ Wandering thoughts are easier to keep track of if you trap them in ink?"  _ He read out loud.

"It was already there when I got the book, it's just a way to say that I should write down stuff I remember."

"A very fancy way to say it."

"Yeah... At first, I thought it might have been by Joe, but I've seen his handwriting, he's not this bad."

Mumbo nodded looking at the way the message was written. Tilted to the side, heavy and not a single letter was the same size as another.

He remembered Doc having very bad handwriting, but it was worse like a "doctor" bad. Neat but at the same time unreadable. 

Cub used to have really messy writing, but he got better at some point, Scar got tired of having to write down all the important stuff by himself to have it readable.

Mumbo started flipping through the pages. 

The first few were not messy at all. Grian’s handwriting was pretty and a bit fancy at times like usual. 

Mumbo still remembered when Iskall showed him the letter to join the Architech Grian left at his base, full-on calligraphy there.

The first notes were things that made very little sense to Mumbo, but they were the kind of nonsense that he noticed Grian would get confused over at the beginning of the season. 

When he first appeared in their world.

The list ranged from “ _ stairs should disappear on ice” _ to “ _ Chunk Errors are useful, they should be a thing here! _ ”, some things he already heard him talk about and others not yet. 

“ _ The chickens will not explode _ ? That’s the egg thing isn’t it?” Mumbo looked at Grian and they both had a chuckle thinking back to the failed egg prank. 

“I was so sure that they would explode everywhere!” He whined but with a smile on his face.

Mumbo went back to the book. 

The more he advanced to the pages the more confused it became: Other than being written all over the place it was also written in every direction possible, he had to turn the book around a few times to read some of the words. The writing wasn't so pretty anymore but still clearly Grian's. 

“I wrote most of this stuff while I was half asleep…" Oh, so this is what he's been doing instead of sleeping, thought the redstoner. "I didn’t bother with what direction the book was facing.” Grian continued.

Mumbo squinted as he tried to read some of the more messy words. ** **

Some were clearly notes on buildings. Block combinations, room descriptions, and measures. Some drawings even. 

Very bad drawings but still. 

The one he seemed to have spent more time on was one of a large room with what seemed to be his face at the end of it and many corridors at the sides. There seemed to be some attempt at naming the corridors but any attempt had been scribbled on. 

"I don't like this one." 

Mumbo frowned and looked at his friend. 

"Why?" He asked.

"These tunnels should lead to...to friends," He crossed his arms, clearly irritated. "There should be their names and I can't remember a single one!" 

Mumbo nodded and turned pages. He wasn't sure what to reply to that.

He found a page mostly blank if not for a few phrases that didn't really seem to connect to one another. 

_ "The mobs falling keep hitting me. " _

_ "They put obsidian on my chests and called me greedy. " _

_ "I promised him cake at the end." _

Grian didn't say anything to this one so he quickly moved to the next.

There were not many phrases in the last pages, mostly random words or letters, and a few more drawings. Some of them repeated multiple times. 

_ Empire _ was one of those. He had written it all over the edges of the pages. 

On one of the last pages, there was a single drawing of a faceless girl holding what seemed to be a puppy. The drawing took most of the space of the page but there were some small notes around it.

_ She's caring. She's a dear friend. _

Mumbo felt incredibly sad watching that picture. For a moment he imagined what It must be like to know you forgot someone and not being able to remember their name or face.

Being realistic he was sure that he had forgotten someone, everyone on the server probably did. But he wasn't aware of it, he had no idea if he had forgotten 1 or 100 people, while Grian seemed close but not close enough to know how many people he had lost when he arrived in this world. 

He was close enough to remember how many and how he felt about some but nothing more. 

He wanted to help him.

Mumbo closed the book and stared at its cover for a moment, collecting his thoughts. 

Grian waited for him to say something at first but then decided that there had been too much silence in between that moment and when Mumbo had closed his book. 

  
“I know, it’s kinda creepy at times," He started off while pulling at the sleeves of his jumper "It’s just that I remember stuff at weird times and if I don’t put it down quickly I--”    
  
“It’s not  _ that _ weird...Well, I mean, It is technically. But hey! You are doing something none of us ever did!” Grian Blinked.

“I..am?” He said unsure.

“Yeah! None of us remembers a single bit of what was before coming to Hermicraft, while you are starting to remember something!.” Mumbo smiled and gave the book back to Grian. "Sure, right now you don't remember everything yet but you're working on it, no?"

Grian nodded and looked down at his ink-stained hands for a few moments. 

“What if I can’t remember everything? What if I stay stuck like this with.. bits and pieces of everything?”   
  


Mumbo didn’t respond right away. 

"Why.. Why don't you try building?"

"Uh?" Grian looked at his friend that right now just seemed to have realized something. He quickly reopened the book and flipped through the pages. 

"Hear me out, the first thing you always seem to remember is always build related." 

He pointed at the pages with the building notes, the room with the names and other less detailed structures. 

"_It was made out of this _or _I made it in this style_. You're a builder! Your brain works in terms of structures."

Grian nodded and stared at the room drawn on the page.

_ He doesn’t have a base just yet.  _

He doesn’t have all the names.

"Just...pick a  _ block _ . A single material. Think of what you had to build with it."

Grian stayed quiet for a while and picked the book back from Mumbo. Maybe it was worth a try?

“Can you help me with it?” he asked hesitantly.

Mumbo smiled.

“Of course!” He said cheerfully “I wasn’t really sure of what we could do today anyway-” He then admitted sheepishly making Grian laugh.

The builder stood up and quickly put the book back into his inventory.

“Let’s go to my base, I’m pretty sure I have a little bit of every existing block.”   
  
Mumbo let out a strangled whine. “Do we really have to look into your storage?”

Grian grinned and sprinted outside of the room, grabbing a handful of rockets and flying off. 

“There’s no escape from the chest monsters!!” He yelled as he took off.

Mumbo rolled his eyes to the sky and followed his friend with a smile. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked my fic! It's been a while since I tried doing a multichapter, I hope I'll be able to finish it! Let me know in the comments what did you think of it! ^^


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